Monday, July 2, 2007

The sheer lunacy of Mormonism

I don't mean to attack a specific religion. I promise, that was never my intention when starting this blog. I decided that, besides my own experiences, I would stay fair.

But last night, I changed my mind.

I had previously thought that Mormonism was odd, how Joseph Smith translated some plates he found with a magic decoder ring he put in his hat, but I found Mormonism to be mostly harmless, and thought that it taught it's followers basically the same as Christianity only with more restrictions and some nuanced differences. Boy was I ever wrong!

Mormons believe that there are trillions of planets and trillions of gods. Some planets are human planets, some planets are god planets. Earth is a human planet, but if we are good Mormons and die we become gods ourselves and can have dominion over a planet.

The Earth god is Elohim, whose sons (Lucifer and Jesus) kinda battle for domination of the planet. Lucifer's followers became demons, Jesus' followers became happy white Mormons, and the people who chose to stay neutral became black people.

A few other tidbits:
Mormons inhabit the moon, as well as the earth.
Elohim lives on Kolob. They've found it with the Hubble too, wouldn't you know?
We're all aliens since we started life on Kolob
They have doctrine on how to handle how to worship when traveling through space to another planet, governed by a different god.

I could go on for a while.

Recently Al Sharpton was criticized for having made an insensitive comment suggesting that Mormons don't really believe in the real God. He fumbled, trying to save face, and failed. According to Christian doctrine shouldn't he have just owned up to it? I don't think many would disagree with him if they knew what Mormons believed.

I've said before that all religion is equally as quirky and nonsensical except for Scientology, but I think I'll now add Mormonism to that as well.

You can say I'm insensitive, and you'd have a point, but there are millions of people who believe this, and that's just unacceptable!

Seriously. WTF?

Sources: (this is a satire site to a point, but all facts are taken from actual Mormon beliefs.


vjack said...

The way I look at it is that Mormonism sounds as absurd to those of us who were not indoctrinated into it as mainstream Christianity must sound to those lucky enough not to have been indoctrinated into it. Don't get me wrong - I'm not defending Mormonism. The notion of some asshat reading plates out of his hat with a seer stone is way beyond justification or defense! I'm only saying that I think Mormonism and Scientology sound so much stranger than mainstream Christianity because I wasn't brainwashed in their traditions.

The Anonymous Atheist said...

I agree to a point, but I don't see any other religion as THAT odd... I know a bit about *most* mainstream religions... if I knew more about them I might find them odd as well. But perspective does, necessarily, play a part in our views.

Michael said...

I agree with vjack. If you picked any religion and actually looked at what they believe it's not much better than what the Mormons believe. We're just so used to hearing about the flying white horse or the virgin birth that we've become desensitized to the lunacy.

People often pick on scientology as being complete crazy and a false religion. Of course they're right but the only reason most treat it in this way is that we can examine their evidence, we can see how it started and its early expansion. If Christianity was as young a religion, where we could examine the primary evidence, if we could see Jesus at first hand I don't think we would treat it much differently. The same goes for Islam.

The Anonymous Atheist said...

I do see your point. And one thing I didn't comment on enough was the method in which it was obtained.

I imagine that in the ancient religions, it was a matter of attempting to explain the unknown, and being able to grab some power while you're at it. They made claims that were, while not less far fetched than Mormonism, less complex. God spoke to them, they wrote.

The elaborate and ludicrous story that Smith came up with is in an entirely different league. He found some plates in New York, written in hieroglyphics no less, and translated them using a seer stone in his hat.

In fact, some of the beliefs make a little more sense than Christianity. God living on another planet makes way more sense than some place that is nowhere and everywhere at the same time, because we know planets exist. Some of the beliefs make way less sense. But overall, what gets me is that people believe the methods in which Joseph Smith obtained the holy scriptures. And the fact that people still buy into it.

Rasputin said...

As someone who was never indoctrinated into any religion, Scientology takes the cake for sheer whackjobbiness but Mormonism isn't far behind.

Most of the Christian lunacies are rather tame because they were stolen from everyone else.

I mean, virgin birth, yeah it's wacky but it doesn't hold a candle to an evil space dictator dropping criminals off in our volcanoes.

Katie said...

Rasputin: Do you dare doubt the power of the evil space dictator?!? I wouldn't taunt him, I doubt he'd hesitate to drop you into a volcano as well.

In all seriousness, I have to agree that all religions sound messed up when you really think about them. I don't think that Scientology and Mormonism seem weird just because of unfamiliarity--if that were the case, then other unfamiliar religions would seem as bizarre and contrived. Honestly, it's much easier for me to accept Hindu, Buddhism, Shinto, animistic religions, etc. than Mormonism or Scientology.

Those two really have taken the proverbial cake.

Anonymous Atheist also makes a good point about the time frame. Joseph Smith wasn't trying to explain the mysteries of the world, he was swindling people (and doing a damn fine job of it, too!).

On a related note, can anyone tell me why Mormons are always so happy?

The Anonymous Atheist said...

On a related note, can anyone tell me why Mormons are always so happy?
Because, their god spirits fought against Lucifer, so they became happy white people. Duh.

Katie said...


So in order to be happy, I have to send my god spirit to fight Lucifer? Or did it already and I don't know it? HALP! I am confused about how I can be that happy.

On another related note: Does anybody have any ideas on getting a Book of Mormon? I don't know of any way to get one without giving them my address, and I do NOT want them to know where I live.

Slut said...

I think mormon men are happy because the women are all required to be subservient second class citizens. No offense to any enlightened men present, but the vast majority of men would like this arrangement if they could have it. And the women, IMO, are "happy" because it's a requirement.

Used to know lots of mormons for some reason. They were all very nice family-oriented people.

That said, being a Mormon should be automatic disqualification for any public office. Seriously, it's not that difficult these days to research the religion's origins and figure out it's a crock.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure that mormonism is any weirder than a whacked-out religion that believes in ritual cannabalism, but it does have some really strange stuff, including the whole underwear thing.

Krakauers book on mormonism is very good, btw, though mainstream mormons now say that polygamy is wrong.

Grégoire said...

On a related note, can anyone tell me why Mormons are always so happy?

My guess is that you don't want a serious answer, but just want to bash my ingroup (which is cool, I bash them far more than you). On the off chance some straggler comes wandering in here though, I'll tell them...

There's a popular Mormon folk saying that goes 'wickedness never was happiness'. For Mormons this equates unhappiness with sinning. It's a roundabout analogy, but most of the weirdness encoded in religious movements starts out this way.

Mormons aren't nearly as happy as they pretend to be. Most are perfectly miserable behind closed doors; but, Mormons feel the need to playact happiness for the world.

We also lie much more proficiently than Protestants, Catholics or Jews, so that makes it easy to fool you guys.

Hope this helps...

G (Secular Mormon)

Qwin said...

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James Robert Smith said...

People high on heroin are happy, too.

Mormons are full of vile crap that makes them feel good. Big fucking deal. Crack addicts are, too.